Thursday 11 April 2019 by Pete Redfern

Julian Assange’s cat celebrating having entire room and balcony to itself


Julian Assange's cat

The cat belonging to Julian Assange is now having the time of its life, according to sources within the Ecuadorian embassy.

The cat, who is understood to be called Simon, and who is worryingly the only pussy the Wikileaks founder has had access to over the last seven years, excitedly observed his master’s forcible removal from the embassy with a smirk, before trotting over to the cupboard to take a shit in a pair of Julian’s shoes.

“Oh he’s perked up considerably since Julian left,” an embassy worker told us, “and I can’t say I’m surprised.

“It’s been hard enough for us to have him hanging around the place for seven years, and we haven’t had to endure that weirdo stroking us. Well, most of us haven’t.”

He continued, “We’ll chuck out all Julian’s things tomorrow, give his room a good deep clean and then put up a scratching post or two and let little Simon stay in there – he’s earned it.

“We’ve become accustomed to not having use of that room, and it’ll be nice for there to be someone in there who doesn’t slow down our internet and leave dirty dishes on the kitchen side.”

He added, “Simon can go out and climb up onto the balcony if he wants – even if he has a stretch and cleans himself up there then at least it will be a different kind of arsehole for the public to look up at.”

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