Monday 8 April 2019 by Arabin Patson

Nation relieved that former investment banker Andrea Leadsom will be OK in case of No Deal


Andrea Leadsom

To the delight of all, Andrea Leadsom, Tory minister and extremely loaded person, used an Andrew Marr interview to reassure the little people that she would be just fine in case the UK crashes out of the EU without a deal.

“We need to get a grip and stop fear-mongering. As a former investment banker, I have carefully crunched the numbers and concluded that an average couple of executive board members will be absolutely fine.”

Mrs Leadsom, whose husband runs a shell company belonging to a Guernsey-based hedge fund, was adamant that her family will want for nothing even if the UK leaves on WTO terms.

She went on, “As a normal woman who is not barren unlike some, I know that it’s easy to fear for one’s family.

“With a bit of sensible planning like buying a couple of vineyards in Burgundy or maybe starting an ISA to buy half million pound Maltese passports for the kids, no deal is nothing to fear. We might struggle in the short term but if worse comes to worst we will have to bite the bullet and put the Hampshire lodge on AirBnB. Like I’m sure they did in the Blitz.”

Simon Williams, a servile cap-doffer and conservative voter in Mrs Leadsom’s constituency, was one of many who tugged his forelock out of gratitude that his betters would be fine.

He went on, “I’ll admit I was getting nervous about No Deal. The Mrs has got severe diabetes and her carer is Polish so I was worried that my support for Brexit could backfire.

“But now that it’s clear a well-connected millionaire will be alright then that’s a load off my mind. Andrea deserves the good things in life because she’s a lady.

“I knows my place and anyone who tells me different is in the elites.”

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