Monday 25 March 2019 by Nick Hall

Members of European Research Group admit that they’ve never done any actual research


ERG real name

Hard-line Tory Brexiters from the European Research Group, or ERG, have finally admitted that they’ve never done a day’s research in their lives.

The revelation comes as the ERG again takes centre stage in Theresa May’s ongoing nightmares.

“We just thought it would be a really cool name,” admitted a spokesperson for the group.

“We liked giving the public the impression that we spend day and night in a scientific laboratory wearing white coats, carefully peering through a microscope and uttering the words ‘my god – what a discovery’ every now and then.

“In fact, our views on Europe haven’t changed since we formed them in 1971. We very much believe that Johnny Europe wants to steal our fish, straighten our cucumbers and make us kowtow to a European super-state, no matter what evidence is presented to us showing the contrary.

“Other names we considered were the European Cool Guys Society and the European Rebel Motorcycle Club, but we felt it best to go with something that sounded respectable, sober and level-headed, as when we open our mouths nothing we say comes out that way.”

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