Thursday 21 March 2019 by Steve Marlborough

Cersei Lannister uses TV address to tell Westeros peasants “I’m on your side”


Cersei Lannister

Ruthless dictator Cersei Lannister has assured the peasants of Westeros that she is ‘on their side’.

The ‘protector of the seven kingdoms’ used a live, televised address to insist she is not to blame for the crisis engulfing the land.

Lannister’s speech was immediately criticised by opponents as ‘deluded and reckless’.

But political commentators insisted ‘what the hell did you expect from a woman whose sole motive has always been to remain in power at all costs?’.

Lannister yesterday formally asked the Army of the Dead for a ‘short, procedural extension’ to the start of winter, which is predicted to bring misery and hardship to millions of her citizens.

But sources close to the Night King insisted winter will begin on schedule “unless those morons in Kings Landing get their fingers out and do something about it”.

A White Walkers’ spokesman told reporters: “People from all parties have spent seven seasons warning that ‘winter is coming’ and yet Ms Lannister has ignored them.

“She has chosen instead to protect her own position by pandering to a small group of courtiers who maintain everything will be OK if she ignores the problem.

“Now we are days away from the start of winter and she is still refusing to budge, so frankly we intend to storm The North as planned.”

Opposition leader Jon Snow added: “The Protector has spent the last few years protecting herself and her mates ahead of the needs of the public.

“And now she has the nerve to speak directly to them and blame all of the problems on the people who have been pointing out the problems all along.

“And people say I’m a bastard!”

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