Monday 18 March 2019 by Arabin Patson

US sends specialist Thoughts And Prayers team to New Zealand after novice PM foolishly contemplates real action


thoughts and prayers professionals from the US head to New Zealand

The Trump Administration has sent a crack squad of experts to assist the inexperienced New Zealand government deal with the aftermath of a mass shooting after Jacinda Ardern showed early warning signs she might do something practical to stem gun violence.

The eight-man team was tasked with sharing their country’s grim experience with mass slaughter and has some of the world’s foremost experts in the art of offering thoughts and prayers in this time of national mourning.

In addition, members of the team are highly accustomed to explaining that this was not the time to discuss legislation and that they are shocked at the cynical attempts to politicise such a tragedy.

Team leader Simon Clayton Willams Jr, a media consultant for the NRA, explained that he was keen to ensure the New Zealand government delivered the proper response and didn’t rush into anything they might later regret.

He explained, “We see this all too often. Politicians reeling from the loss of innocent lives completely lose focus and actually do something tangible.

“But we can train cabinet members to offer their deepest sympathies to grieving relatives while at the same time scowling at anyone who mentions gun legislation as if they had just made a pass at your Grandma.

“But we might already be too late. Now that Prime Minister Ardern has recklessly mentioned the possibility of banning the blameless tools that allow crazed racists to commit mass murder without breaking a sweat, that’s all the public will think about.

“And this amateurish mistake could shift efforts away from the only real remedy to these senseless tragedies.

“All together now: A good guy with a gun!”

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