Theresa May proposes compromise of remaining in EU on weekdays and staying out at weekends

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Visionary Prime Minister Theresa May is to suggest a bold new solution to the stasis surrounding Brexit.

It is expected that today, she will travel to Brussels to suggest a part-time membership of the EU in which Britain remains part of the EU on weekdays and leaves the EU each weekend.

The arrangement should, theoretically, allow sensible people to enjoy the business and travel advantages of remaining in the EU during the week.

At the same time, at the weekend, it will allow shouty red-faced men to shout about the second world war and get basic facts about trading wrong without wreaking too much devastation on the economy.

Unusually, the plan wasn’t created by a Whitehall mandarin or minister but by one Jim Crozier, a cardboard straightener from Chelmsford.

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“Yeah, I’d been drinking pretty heavily,” explained Mr Crozier

“And I just thought, wouldn’t it be mad if we stayed in the EU during the week but left for weekends.

“I put it on Facebook, and the next thing I knew it was Government policy.”

Interestingly, this is exactly how the original EU referendum policy came about.

Theresa May was bullish about the proposal.

“This compromise could actually prevent a catastrophic split of the Tory party and keep us in power, which is definitely the most important thing here,” she said.

Asked whether the EU was likely to agree to such a plan, the PM was equivocal.

“Does that matter?”

EU President Claude Juncker has issued a statement on the proposal that simply reads ‘F**k sake.”