Following the news that Mike Ashley is attempting a coup at Debenhams to appoint himself to the board in an executive role and oust all the other directors, shoppers are looking forward to seeing some new products in the store.
In a dramatic stock market announcement filed late on Thursday, Ashley pledged that, if appointed to the board of the ailing department store, he would step down from his role as chief executive of Sports Direct, but wishes to widen the range of comically oversized mugs he’s selling.
“I already have a thirty per cent share in Debenhams,” beamed Mike Ashley this morning, “But I’d like that figure to be nearer to one hundred if we are going to bring the Debenhams brand to the standard expected of the Sports Direct shops.
“I think to start with we’ll need to release a load of wild horses into each store to achieve the ‘purposefully distressed’ look of our sports shops. People think that’s caused by neglect – far from it. It makes you think we’re saving money to keep the prices low.
“And then we shall, of course, be slashing the prices of most of the items, which in the case of Debenhams might even bring some of them down to under a monkey, which will please the more bargain hunting middle and upper classes.”
He added, “And naturally we shall be selling giant mugs with Debenhams written on the side at every counter, which I’m sure the shoppers will find irresistible, especially at a price of only £24.99 each.”
It is also understood that a ‘down-training’ of all staff’s customer service skills will begin immediately.