Wednesday 6 March 2019 by Pete Redfern

Theresa May to get rid of police altogether after claiming no link between officer numbers and crime levels


Theresa May to get rid of the police

Theresa May has taken the next logical step in her war against the police, it has emerged.

After claiming on Monday that there was ‘no direct correlation’ between police cuts and the number of crimes being committed on Britain’s streets, Theresa May has evidently been stretching her logical thinking and reached a surprising conclusion.

“I’m a genius!” she suddenly proclaimed to her bodyguard, who is contractually obliged to listen to her.

“There is clearly no link between the number of police on the streets and the number of crimes committed. When I cut police officers by twenty thousand, the crime levels didn’t rise. Or probably not – I didn’t actually check.”

She explained, “So let’s just get rid of ALL the police officers; There must be thousands of police out there taking money from the government and having no effect whatsoever on crime. So what’s the point of them?

I can’t imagine the crime rates will go up if we ditch them all, and we’ll save quite a bit of taxpayer money to give to Chris Grayling for his next brilliant scheme. Everyone’s a winner!

She added, “And no-one has been stabbed on the street outside either of my houses yet, so knife crime must be at an all-time low.

“You’re welcome, citizens!”

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