Tuesday 5 March 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Tories pledge to tackle knife crime by occasionally being a bit cross about it


Sajid JAvid

The government has pledged to tackle the increasing epidemic of knife crime by occasionally having one of their ministers appear on the news being a bit cross about it.

The new initiative began over the weekend with several ministers appearing on the news making vague, emotional statements about knife crime that seem, at first glance, to commit to making a change but, on closer inspection, contain no substantive policy changes whatsoever.

“Knife crime is our number one priority,” said Sajid Javid, current Home Secretary and the man most likely to take over from Satan when Satan finally joins UKIP.

“Well, after keeping the Tory Party together in the wake of splits over Europe. Oh, and tax-cuts for the wealthy, obviously, and then there’s being mean to refugees.

“But, apart from those, knife crime is our absolute top priority.

“I think people will really see that we’re serious about knife crime when the likes of Chris Grayling and Karen Bradley appear on Andrew Marr saying things like ‘it’s time to tackle knife crime,’ and ‘enough is enough’.”

It is thought that if the government is serious about the new initiative of occasionally getting a bit cross about knife crime, it could well be the most significant thing any Tory government has done to stop violence in poorer communities.

However, Mr Javid is adamant that their commitment to tackling knife crime won’t stop there.

“No,” he said.

“We’ll also make vague noises about a ‘Knife Czar,’ whatever that is, and then not appoint one.

“Enough is enough!”

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