Tuesday 5 March 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Rich, privileged, bubble-wrapped tosspots definitely know how to stop knife crime


Rich couple know how to solve knife crime

The Conservatives reckon they’ve got a good bead on solving knife crime.

The governing party, which consists of people who went to high-security private schools and haven’t seen a knife crime outside of the RSC’s last performance of Julius Caesar, believes it has the knowledge necessary to solve the problem.

“Oh yes, knives, jolly sordid affair,” said MP for Twattenshire, Simon Williams, sipping tea with a pinky in the air.

“Well, look. All of these young people are clearly from broken homes and are just bored. I’m sure a few youth clubs offering activities like football, table tennis and colouring books will sort them out.”

“Not too many youth clubs, though. We can’t afford them. I mean we can, but we’d rather not, if you see what I mean, which I doubt you do, you’re not rich enough.”

Citizen, Jay Cooper, said, “They’re about as equipped to solve knife crime as I am to give birth.

“None of them look like they’ve ever been in so much as a bar fight – apart from Ruth Davidson. She’s definitely glassed someone at least once.”

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