Tuesday 5 March 2019 by Chris Ballard

Post-Brexit pancakes to be made of sawdust and glue


Sawdust pancakes

People are planning to spend Shrove Tuesday indulging themselves with sweet pancake-based treats before starving for the next forty years due to the lack of appropriate ingredients.

Pancake Day and Easter are supposed to be the sugary bookends to over a month of healthy eating. However, this year it’s all about stockpiling the calories to build up all-important fat reserves to gain a competitive advantage in the awaiting post-Brexit dystopia.

Through mouthfuls of battered syrup greedy shit Simon Williams said, “I’m not a religious man but this is my last chance to remember the time Jesus fed the five thousand with only five pancakes and two jars of Nutella.

“My understanding is that he then wandered in a savoury wilderness for forty days and nights so we don’t have to. He didn’t have access to honey or chocolate or anything. I don’t know how he did it – probably just had to eat pasties and cheese.

“This is a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone – respect Jesus’ sacrifice and also sit out the apocalypse by doing my best to go into a forty-year sugar coma.”

It was pointed out to a Simon that there probably would be milk and butter after Brexit, and that he only really needed to give up one thing as a small gesture of sacrifice.

“Oh, no problem, in that case I’ll give up kale,” said Simon with blueberries and ice cream running down his chin.

“I bloody love kale but I’m prepared to forgo the pleasure if that’s what Jesus would have done.

*Burp*

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