Post-Brexit reintroduction of toast toppers could convince Remainers, finds poll

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A new poll has shown that a large number of remainers could be convinced to support Brexit if there were a promise of the reintroduction of toast toppers.

Toast toppers were small tins of salty slime with pink bits in that people would inexplicably spread on toast and then consume. They were discontinued in 2015.

Although there was some minor civil disobedience and, in Bristol, several nights of rioting at the decision, Heinz remained firm and refused to reintroduce the product.

The results of this new poll, though, has seen Prime Minister Theresa May begin urgent talks with the company in order to ramp up production ready for Brexit day in March.

With the conditional toast topper-based support from the public, MPs would find themselves under pressure to support Mrs May’s deal and force Brexit through.

“If the feeling was strong enough that my constituents would support Brexit in return for toast toppers, then I would have to support Mrs May’s deal, yes,” said fervent remainer Chuka Umunna of The Independent Group, whatever that is.

“Provided I don’t have to eat them, though. I hate poor people food.”

Remainer feeling seemed to back up the poll.

“Well, I’ve been a Remainer from the word go,” said Simon Williams, an artisanal bogey sculptor from Brighton.

“But, the loss of free travel, diminishment of world influence, and potential food and medicine shortages will be worth it if there was a cast-iron guarantee of toast toppers after we’ve left.

“I could support any sort of deal that would include toast toppers. Who wouldn’t?

“Not the chicken and mushroom ones, though. They were fucking filth.”