Government forced to pay £33m to Eurotunnel after hiring a legal defence team with no lawyers

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The government have been forced to settle a lawsuit filed by Eurotunnel after handing the case to a legal firm with no lawyers.

Today it was reported that the government have agreed to pay £33m to Eurotunnel to settle a lawsuit over extra ferry services in the event of a no-deal Brexit, which were claimed to be ‘secretive’.

Department for Transport spokesperson Simon Williams told press, “Naturally we are very disappointed at having been forced to settle this lawsuit out of court, but in hindsight, we have been able to determine where we went wrong.

“Shortly after Eurotunnel filed this action against us, we instructed a legal firm – called SeaBorne Solicitors Ltd – to represent us, and we gave them a few million quid to do so, which is pretty cheap as they didn’t actually have any lawyers at the time, despite assurances that they would have some in place in time for the court hearing.”

He added, “But they didn’t magically produce any lawyers in time, which absolutely stunned us.

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“So we had to settle out of court. Still, we’ve definitely learned our lesson now, we promise.”

The minister responsible for the case, Chris Grayling, was unavailable for comment, as his staff report that whenever his phone rings he just stares at it in bewilderment, saying, “What magic is this?!”