Wednesday 20 February 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Everyone wishing Beto O’Rourke would stop dicking about and announce his bid for Presidency


Beto O'Rourke

Beto O’Rourke has been told to get a fucking move on, according to reports this afternoon.

The handsome, erudite, well-informed former congressman came within a hair’s breadth of beating a Republican in Texas, which is about as close a miracle to walking on water as you can get without being actual Jesus.

“He keeps going on these little tours of swing states, and he can’t be doing it for the scenery – he went to CHICAGO over the weekend. I mean come on,” said Democrat, Simon Williams.

“We all know why you’re doing it, just announce your candidacy and we can all stop pretending to be pleased that Bernie Sanders is running again.”

O’Rourke commented, “Hey, I’m listening to everyone, that’s my thing. I really appreciate the feedback and the support.

“I’m really thinking about it, I promise, but it has to be what’s best for America and, most importantly, the American peop-”

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!” interrupted Williams.

“We get it, alright?! You’re considerate, you’re thoughtful, you’re perfect. Now get up on that podium and ANNOUNCE THE BID, you handsome prick!”

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