In an effort to distance itself from the Windrush scandal, the Home Office has just announced a dramatic shift in how citizenship is granted, moving away from established legal precedent and closer to the gut feeling of frightened old people with poor literacy skills.
The program, dubbed “Could you win Bake Off?” by civil servants, is the first time citizenship has been detached from international laws, and is said to be the brainchild of Sajid Javid. As explained Home Office spokesperson Simon Williams.
“The Home Secretary recognises that far too often people who make honest Britons feel anxious can live among us just because they were born here and hold a UK passport.
“So now we ask, what is a British Citizen? Is it someone with a piece of paper delivered by a bureaucrat or is it that you, the voter, think is a good egg?
“For too long, scary people that can read squiggly Arabic writing have been able to hide behind a birth certificate or the fact that their family have lived here since Alfred the Great.
“But now, if enough tabloid columnists and red-faced talk-show hosts call someone a traitor, then we will make that person stateless in a blink of an eye.”
Mr Williams was at pains to tell the public that evidence or suspicion of criminality would not mean people will lose their passport.
He went on, “We want to reassure the badly tattooed gentlemen who had to quickly relocate to Pattaya or Marbella that they will remain British to their dying day.
“If you have to buy sunscreen you’re safe, if you catch my drift.”