It’s bitterly cold somewhere up north where a man hasn’t lived for well over a decade, he has made sure you know today.
35-year-old Simon Williams, who moved south the first chance he got, still keeps tabs on what the weather is like ‘back home’ and makes sure you know it.
“It’s brass monkeys weather back home in Heckmondthwaitefieldtonby,” he said, naming some isolated northern hellhole which has been bypassed by most of the 21st century and apparently central heating.
“I hear tell there’s snow up above the lintel of the Grogget,” he added in an incomprehensible jargon from north of Watford that he never uses at other times.
“The problem with Londoners is they just don’t know how bad it gets,” he went on despite not having left the capital for any reason since 2011.
“None of you lot would last five minutes in a proper winter.”
Simon would say more, but a workmate who left Scotland twenty years ago has just joined in to tell everyone what real weather is like.