Britain warned of Um Bongo shortages in event of hard Brexit

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Essential supplies of Apricot, Guava and Mango are likely to be disrupted in the event of border controls leading to ‘drastic and immediate shortages’ of Um Bongo, Britain has been warned.

Um Bongo is a popular delicacy, made through an unusual and difficult process featuring a tango-dancing hippo and sold in cartons painted by specially-trained parrots.

“I think people don’t understand how the incredibly complex Um Bongo manufacturing process would be affected by an increase in customs controls and inspections,” said trade analyst Simon Williams.

“The marmoset – a native of South America – has to pick a mandarin, before it is mixed with a passion fruit picked by a python from Africa. It’s a transnational process and any friction in the process will result in the Rhino being unable to do his job in time.

“I appreciate that Um Bongo is what they drink in the Congo, but the lack of rolled-over trade deals with such an important supplier will mean we may be unable to drink it here.”

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However, Andrea Leadsom has struck an optimistic note this morning by suggesting Britain make its own Um Bongo for export by squeezing a turnip and drinking what comes out.

“I don’t understand what that Hippo, Marmoset and Monkey are doing here anyway,” she added.

“They should send them back to Um Bongo-Um Bongo-land.”