Government supports replacing Irish backstop that nobody understands with ‘alternative arrangements’ that nobody understands

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The government is supporting an amendment to the Brexit deal that will ensure the thorny issue of the Irish border remains as incomprehensible as ever to the great British public.

An amendment to Theresa May’s Brexit deal which proposes replacing the Irish backstop with completely undefined ‘alternative arrangements’ is to receive the support of the government.

Members of the British public have been responding to the news:

Simon Williams, 37, said:  “To be honest, I don’t really have an opinion. I’ve never played traditional backgammon, let alone the Irish version. Is it like Irish chess where you have to down a shot every time you lose a piece?”

Amanda Stewart, 52, said: “I’ve never thought an Irish Backdraft was a good idea. Why remake a Kurt Russell classic? And Ireland’s all fields and stuff isn’t it? Just wouldn’t be as exciting, a serial arsonist going round burning barns. I’ll be pleased if they ditch the idea.”

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Stan Phillips, 64, said: “Alternative arrangements? Like when the trains aren’t running cos of engineering work and you have to find your own way home? That’s bloody typical of this government – they make a mess and then expect the public to sort it out themselves. Well, I’ve got enough on my plate with this bloody frozen shoulder without having to negotiate with the EU. Do it yourself!”

Sarah Jones, 25, said: “I understand why they want to take a backhander off the table but I just think that’s how the world works – it would be naive to think otherwise. A facilitation payment would be much better than replacing the NHS with alternative medicine. If I get cancer or something I don’t want my only treatment option to be a crystal and some incense just because someone was too proud to take a bribe.”

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