Friday 25 January 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Robert Mueller’s ‘fake witch hunt’ celebrates catching 48th actual witch


Roger Stone indicted for witness tampering

48 witches have either been indicted or have pled guilty to crimes or misdemeanours in Robert Mueller’s witch hunt.

Mueller, America’s finest witch catcher, began his investigation well over a year ago; an investigation which was immediately branded a “witch hunt” by Donald Trump.

“And what a witch hunt it has been,” smiled Robert Mueller, hanging his 48th witch hat on his ever-more-crowded wall of hunting trophies.

“Donald was technically right, this was absolutely a witch hunt, but I think he meant to infer that we were hunting only him. We weren’t, we were going after ALL of the dodgy bastards in town.

“Tax fraud, bank fraud, hacking the DNC, misuse of campaign funds, witness tampering, lying to the FBI… we found examples of all of them. Not only are these witches, but they are really BORING witches.

“They don’t even do any groovy shit like turning people into frogs, just the kind of dull crimes you can perform while wearing a suit.

“We knew Michael Cohen was guilty, we dunked him in a river and he didn’t even drown. No wonder he entered into a plea deal.

“Roger Stone is the latest witch we’ve secured, but it was hard to believe a man with a Richard Nixon tattoo on his back could ever have done something underhand in trying to secure the White House for Donald Trump.

“We were all shocked, but we go where the evidence takes us, and so far it’s taken us to everyone Donald Trump surrounded himself with. Funny that.”

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