Prince Philip opts to attend driver safety awareness course instead of having points added to his licence

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Prince Philip has decided to attend a driver safety awareness course rather than accept points on his licence for driving without a seatbelt.

At 97 years of age, his insurance premiums are already well above average, and Philip explained that attending the course was the only way to avoid ‘getting f*cked in the arse by those goddam insurance companies at renewal time’.

Others on the course have said he seemed distracted, and the notes he took during the day had very little to do with what was being presented, as by the end of the course he had no notes on the course material, but had filled a notebook entitled ‘Meghan’s downfall’.

Simon Williams, who was on the course after being caught driving at 42 in 30, told us, “We were talking about safe stopping distances, and when Philip got the answer wrong by about fifty yards, he told the course presenter that he could have his close protection officers bury him in a ditch and no-one would ever know about it.

“He referred to the guy sat behind him – Javid, an accountant from Norwich – as Gunga Din for the duration of the course, which we all thought was a bit off, but Philip found it hilarious.

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“Javid was quite offended when Philip asked him how he ever got his rickshaw to go fast enough to get a speeding ticket.

“And let me assure you, Javid was the one attendee he was nice to.”

A palace spokesperson said that Philip had completed the course, and looked forward to returning to the roads, which would be much safer if all the plebs stayed at home.