Tuesday 15 January 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May lays out offer of handjobs for support ahead of crucial Brexit vote


Man vomiting at Theresa May's offer

Prime Minister Theresa May is to try and win over those sceptical of her Brexit plan by offering handjobs in return for their backing.

The PM’s plan’s current popularity is roughly on a par with wasps and diarrhoea and many are expecting it to be voted down today. However, in a passionate plea to the house yesterday, she made the bold offer

“It was an impressive performance,” said one backbencher.

“She made a plea for unity at this difficult time, promised to see Brexit through to the end and then offered to institute a programme of handjobs for every single member of the House who supports her plan.”

The offer was for a monthly handjob, given by the Prime Minister herself in her private office at Number 10. It appeared to prove popular.

“I certainly signed up. I mean, Brexit? I couldn’t give a toss. I’m really quite well off, so it won’t affect me in any way. But a handjob of the PM? That’s something to tell the grandkids about, isn’t it?

“Well, perhaps when they’re older.”

Mrs May’s offer of handjobs for backing may seem an unusual and perhaps even a little desperate, but it is not without precedent.

In 1979, then Prime Minister James Callaghan made a similar offer of handjobs for support going into a vote of no confidence.

It is also widely assumed that David Cameron gave Nick Clegg a handjob behind a skip outside a Wetherspoons in return for the Liberal Democrats joining a coalition in 2018, but this has never been officially confirmed.

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