Monday 14 January 2019 by Chris Ballard

Philip May reassures Theresa: ‘At least it’s the last time you’ll have to get up on a cold Monday morning’


Theresa and Philip May

The Prime Minister is shaking off the Monday blues with the comforting thought that this time next week she’ll be having a lovely lie in.

Theresa May hit the snooze button for the third time.

“It’s five thirty, better get up darling,” said husband Philip from the other twin bed. “Never mind, once more unto the breach.” He was snoring again in seconds.

Theresa’s aching bones shivered to their very core as she climbed stiffly into her flannelette dressing gown. She limped into the kitchen, put both bars on the electric fire and turned on Heart FM.

She will tell the country that no Brexit is more likely than no deal. A final roll of the dice to preserve her legacy as the PM who delivered… something, anything.

An appeal for MPs to respect the stupid referendum result at the expense of Parliamentary sovereignty – after all, the public understood simple binary votes but they were too stupid to comprehend principles of challenge and accountability.

She will add that trust in politics will suffer catastrophic harm if the referendum result is not implemented. As if that hadn’t happened a long time ago.

‘Catastrophic harm’ if by some miracle Parliamentary process yanks the iron out of the fire and does what is best for the country? What a joke.

Well, no Brexit or no deal – either way, for her it would be no job.

“The will of the people,” Theresa muttered as she spread marmalade on a slightly stale slice of toast.

At least next week she’d be free to show her contempt for the twats who voted Leave.

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