Friday 11 January 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Donald Trump denies ever saying he would be faithful to his wife directly


Donald Trump never promised his wife he'd be faithful

President Trump has rolled back another promise, insisting he never said he’d be directly faithful to his wives.

Following revelations that Mexico wouldn’t be paying for Trump’s border wall in a one-off payment, the President has denied ever saying that they would pay for it directly, and that he meant it would be paid for via the terms of a trade agreement over time, and up front by the American taxpayer.

Realising that people seemed quite happy swallowing this bullshit, the President then went on to explain how he didn’t actually break his marriage vows by shagging a pornstar.

“I wanna get this right as I know how the fake news media like to spin things,” said the President to the gathered members of the fake news media.

“When I said I would love, honour and obey, I didn’t specify a timeframe. So, you see, in my head, that vow had expired when I went to grab some other pussy. I also didn’t say I wouldn’t go looking for other women to have sex with, so no promise was broken.

“Those are the facts, folks, they’re my facts and they’re true. Lots of people are saying it.”

Trump’s wedding official, Rev Simon Williams, said “There was also a bit about ’til death do you part’, but I knew he wasn’t really listening to that bit.

“He was too busy looking around the room, probably for a diet coke or at the hot bridesmaids.”

Trump himself added, “…which means I didn’t directly promise anything. That’s how that works? See? Boom. Bigly.”

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