Thursday 10 January 2019 by Chris Ballard

‘You are incredibly shit at cooking’ insists smoke alarm


Smoke Detector says you're a crap cook

A man’s smoke alarm is constantly reminding him of his utter incompetence in the kitchen.

It was Simon Williams’ turn to cook so he was treating his wife to his speciality – fish fingers, chips and beans.

Everything seemed to be going to plan when suddenly the smoke alarm started screaming.

“Beep beep, you wanker!” it appeared to say.

“Beep beep, you’re a 35-year-old man and you can’t even plate up some freezer food without it becoming a hideous carcinogenic pile of charcoal.

“Beep beep, you’re a father now – how on earth are you going to feed your kids? Beep, beep, you man-child twat!”

“It’s steam you crappy piece of plastic!” Simon responded.

“Can’t you tell the difference? It’s your only fucking reason for existing!

“And anyway, I prefer my breadcrumbed fish parts to be slightly crunchy.

“As for my children, I squeeze stuff directly into their mouths from packets. So there!”

“Beep beep,” said the alarm. “One day soon your children will realise what you’ve known all along – you’re a total waste of space!”

“You just be careful Mr Smoke Alarm,” seethed Simon. “I put you up where you are today and I can take you back down too! Who’ll be laughing when you’re in the bin and I’m burning to death in my bed? Eh?!”

Simon’s wife Karen said, “Oh, I keep meaning to change the batteries in the smoke alarm – it stopped working a couple of weeks ago.

“Simon’s very tired, bless him. Parenthood isn’t kind to the genetically inept.”

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