Tuesday 8 January 2019 by Chris Ballard

Dry January under threat as tax return deadline turns people to drink


man drinking while doing his tax returns

The 31st January deadline for online tax returns is severely impacting people’s ability to avoid alcohol this month.

The last thing people need when trying to rehabilitate their livers is a stressful bureaucratic process that ends with them handing over loads of their hard-earned cash.

Freelancer Simon Williams thought Dry January would be easy as he didn’t really drink much in the first place. However, trying to decipher his filing system of ‘leaving screwed up receipts in random bags, pockets and drawers’ has driven him to the very brink of alcoholism.

“Fucking taxman!” he yelled. “Always going around the place deeming things. Who does he think he is?

“Why does he want me to do this now, the point of the year when my body just needs to lie still in between bouts of shitting?

“Wait, toilet roll’s an allowable expense, right? It’s when I do my business and it’s definitely a need…”

A tired and emotional Simon frantically scanned the HMRC website to see what counted as reasonable excuses for missing the deadline.

“Death of a close relative…my mum’s had a good innings, maybe she could have a fall. God, what am I saying? Funerals are bloody expensive and mum doesn’t have any savings.

“An unexpected stay in hospital. Hmm, I wonder how easy it would be to get just a little bit hit by a train…

“Issues with HMRC online services… wait, their website had crashed! Hallelujah! Good old government portal – you can always rely on it to be completely unreliable.

“Right, I’m off down the pub.”

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