The Home Office has put out adverts telling EU citizens to apply for their new Settlement Scheme and to forget all those nasty stories told by every person unlucky enough to have dealt with the UK’s Immigration Service.
The adverts present groups of smiling and ethnically diverse people having a great time filling forms and paying money to have their present rights sort of maintained. It also claims that the process will be as easy and as painless as other mundane applications like getting planning permission for a mosque or a licence to own live tigers.
Simon Williams, Head of Media Strategy at the Home Office, said repeatedly that EU citizens had nothing to fear and were most certainly not going to be put on some sinister register because the current Prime Minister built her career on obsessively harassing migrants.
He explained, “You are utterly safe. We have learnt many lessons from the past and rest assured that if you are British you will never be deported regardless of what your accent is or how much you remind our Enforcement Officers of Bob Marley.
“As for EU citizens, we are proud to have created a new Scheme that will surely have the same brilliant success that government database projects are well known for. Your data will be safe and will never be copied on a thumb drive and left in a minicab. It’s not like we are a department so hell-bent on expelling people we asked the police to tell us the immigration status of crime victims.
“Trust us. And please stop googling the Windrush Scandal.
“Or the ‘Home Office’ for that matter.”