City built on sausage rolls declared unfit for human habitation

author avatar by 5 years ago

Environmental officers have declared a city built on sausage rolls ‘unfit for human habitation’ after discovering the foundations of flaky pasty were dangerously unstable and the sausages have started to go a bit funny, according to reports published today.

The city, which has been constructed on a base of Ginsters and Greggs savoury pastries, has already had several major buildings collapse after they proved insufficient as load-bearing structures.

“Frankly, it’s a mystery how this got past the planning stage,” said chief environmental officer Simon Williams.

“We suspect backhanders to the authorities of Pastry Bakes and maybe Scotch Eggs might have been involved.

“The whole thing was constructed on a base of various pastries, with even the pipework and sewerage systems being made of filo tubes which inevitably proven insufficient. It’s a wonder any of the city lasted as long as the first heavy rain.

“Meanwhile sausages do not make an acceptable alternative to traditional bricks and mortar, and they’ve already started to smell like they’ve gone off quite badly.

“Although that’s normal for Ginsters so it doesn’t prove anything.”

Construction managers on the project rejected the allegations and said that anyone who has had a sausage roll from Greggs will know they’re one of the hardest substances known to man and easily capable of supporting several thousand tons without breaking.

“We believe that sausage rolls are ideal for major infrastructure projects, and hope that this experience will not prevent us from pushing forward with our next project – a motorway building on pigs in blankets,” we were told.