Donald Trump has stunned Republican and Democrat officials alike with his appointment of Darth Vader as his new Secretary of Defence.
Despite having a long history of appointing unexpected candidates to important roles within his administration, the Dark Lord of the Sith was not on anyone’s radar in Washington.
Speaking to reporters, President Trump explained, “Lord Vader has an excellent track record of leading strong military organisation in their ongoing war against underground rebel factions, and I’m confident he will continue the excellent work we’ve done in defeating ISIS.
“He leads from the front and has done many great things, and will do many more for the United States.
“I only employ the best people, everyone is saying it, and I think we can all agree that Lord Vader is uniquely qualified to lead our armed forces into the next phase of their evolution, even if he was really only interested in my new space force.”
When questioned by reporters about his qualifications for the role, Vader told them, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
When reminded by the press pool that sending American soldiers across the galaxy on a personal vendetta was not part of his remit as Defence Secretary, he told them, “I am altering the deal, pray I do not alter it any further.”
Washington insider Chuck Williams told us, “I give him a week.
“Sure, he’s had some recent experience with bosses who like to blow their own trumpet – the Emporer was certainly a vainglorious twat, but this guy? Jesus fucking wept. He doesn’t have any idea who he’s working for.
“He’ll have force choked him before New Years.”