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Leading scientists have concluded that mini mince pies are less Christmassy than a complete absence of mince pies.
Scientists were appalled this week when they were served mini mince pies at their laboratory Christmas party.
Professor Simon Williams explained his revulsion.
“We’d had a beautiful three-course meal and then coffee and mince pies were served,” he said.
“There was a stunned silence as we realised that the pies were not pies but miniature pies. Why…why would anyone do that to us?
“Why do some people hate Christmas so much that they’re determined to ruin it for everyone?
“It was like someone had taken a shit on my saucer. A mini shit, as if they wanted to grossly offend me but I simply wasn’t important enough to warrant any real effort.
“Please bear in mind that I’m a top scientist and I know what I’m talking about when I tell you that mini mince pies are worse than cancer.
“They’re worse than war and famine. Worse than Nazism. Worse than Nigel Farage.
“Never has there been a more insidious foodstuff than the mini mince pie. They sneak up on you unawares – nobody ever asks ‘Would you like a mini mince pie?’ The diminutive horrors just leap out at you when you’re at your most relaxed.
“If you pop over to your neighbour’s place for a Christmas drink this weekend and they offer you a mini mince pie then you should call the police immediately – they will be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity.
“For the avoidance of doubt: if you intentionally buy, eat or serve mini mince pies then you are nothing but a total c*nt.
“Anyway, merry Christmas everyone.”
