Mini mince pies can f**k right off, confirm scientists

author avatar by 5 years ago

Leading scientists have concluded that mini mince pies are less Christmassy than a complete absence of mince pies.

Scientists were appalled this week when they were served mini mince pies at their laboratory Christmas party.

Professor Simon Williams explained his revulsion.

“We’d had a beautiful three-course meal and then coffee and mince pies were served,” he said.

“There was a stunned silence as we realised that the pies were not pies but miniature pies. Why…why would anyone do that to us?

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“Why do some people hate Christmas so much that they’re determined to ruin it for everyone?

“It was like someone had taken a shit on my saucer. A mini shit, as if they wanted to grossly offend me but I simply wasn’t important enough to warrant any real effort.

“Please bear in mind that I’m a top scientist and I know what I’m talking about when I tell you that mini mince pies are worse than cancer.

“They’re worse than war and famine. Worse than Nazism. Worse than Nigel Farage.

“Never has there been a more insidious foodstuff than the mini mince pie. They sneak up on you unawares – nobody ever asks ‘Would you like a mini mince pie?’ The diminutive horrors just leap out at you when you’re at your most relaxed.

“If you pop over to your neighbour’s place for a Christmas drink this weekend and they offer you a mini mince pie then you should call the police immediately – they will be arrested and charged with crimes against humanity.

“For the avoidance of doubt: if you intentionally buy, eat or serve mini mince pies then you are nothing but a total c*nt.

“Anyway, merry Christmas everyone.”