Government reveals No Deal plans to divide UK into 13 districts that will provide young competitors for unspecified games

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Downing Street has countered accusations that No Deal will be a disaster by stating the UK will be subdivided to facilitate food distribution and that they will create some sort of sporting event for teenagers to lift everybody’s mood.

Newly appointed District Minister Simon Williams, explained the governments’ plan.

“We have to prepare for the worst and it will be much more efficient to divide resources if people are in separate districts. The capital being separate, obviously.

“And what better to instil a sense of belonging than some friendly rivalry between districts? Each year, we will nominate two lucky youngsters from each area and they can represent their side in a fun-filled contest in the capital. We could maybe even allocate more resources to the winning district. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Mr Williams said the event was as yet untitled.

“We’ll probably name the event with a survey. Whatever’s the prevailing mood of the country. Freedom Games maybe. We are working with Pinewood Studios to inject a bit of glamour and drama. One thing is certain is that we will try and make the event interactive so that people can impact on the performance of their champions. Maybe even link it to fundraising. You could crowdfund to buy your favourite player something that will give them an edge, for example.”

In the meantime, Labour reacted to the revelations of disaster planning by immediately sending a swathe of MPs to make contradictory statements on television and getting Jeremy Corbyn to firmly table utterly futile motions.