3,500 troops on standby for no-deal Brexit will just be helping people to celebrate all the winning

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The three and a half thousand troops who have been put on standby in the event of a no-deal Brexit will just be there to let off party-poppers, Theresa May’s cabinet has confirmed.

The government has allocated £2bn to be set aside in case the UK leaves on 29 March without MPs having accepted any deal, some of which will be used to put troops on the streets to help families and businesses who are struggling to celebrate all the winning.

“It’s really quite simple,” explained Downing St spokesperson Simon Williams.

“There is a very real danger that some families and small businesses may struggle in the event of a no-deal Brexit to fully engage in all the celebrations that will be taking place due to the all the brilliant things going on around them.

“People may be paralysed with terror thanks to Project Fear and all the ‘experts’, with their ‘fact-based predictions’ and with so much winning going on, some people won’t be adequately prepared to celebrate our freedom from the EU and the countless benefits Brexit will bring.”

He said “The troops will hang out bunting, set off party poppers and fireworks, and maybe do a bit of cake baking for all the street parties.

“There’ll be a lovely air of celebration as the WTO trade deals come rolling in and everyone suddenly finds themselves rolling in money.

“It’ll be like the spirit of the blitz then everyone used to go on about. Actually maybe don’t put that last bit in – wouldn’t want people to relate Brexit to anything negative.”