The rage you’re currently feeling about Santa’s gender being changed is entirely without merit, you daft bastard, according to reports this morning.
After several media outlets reported on “calls for Santa to be a woman” or “survey suggests that a third of people think Santa should be gender-fluid”, it emerged that said “calls” came from roughly nine Twitter accounts, and said “survey” was conducted among 15 philosophy students from the University of Lincoln.
“We do this a couple of times a month,” chuckled Simon Williams, head of rage-porn at the Daily Mail.
“People really value their traditions an awful lot, so we tend to have a dig around for anything that could be spun into a perceived threat of that tradition.”
“It’s nearly Christmas, so this time of year is an absolute goldmine for this kind of nonsense.
“We found a tweet that suggested Santa could be gender-fluid as he’s fictional. Technically that’s correct, as fiction has no rules, but Johnny Ragebot rarely cares for such subtleties.
“That one Tweet got our article 31 million shares on Facebook, and close to half a million pounds in advertising revenue.
“Thank God for gullible fuckwits who can easily imagine one man delivering presents to every boy and girl on earth in one night, but struggle with the idea of him transitioning into a woman.
“In a couple of months, we’ll suggest that St. Valentine identified as being asexual. I’m really looking forward to that one as most of our readers don’t actually know what an asexual is.”
Gullible fuckwit, Johnny Ragebot, said, “Bloody well leave Santa alone, you liberal pricks!
“It’s bad enough there are women Doctor Whos, Ghostbusters and voters now, so you can keep your grubby mitts off my FATHER Christmas! Not Mother Christmas or Person Christmas, FATHER Christmas! You hear me?!”
Liberal prick, Hayley Rice, said, “Yeah, that’s fine. Merry Christmas.”