Tuesday 18 December 2018

Jose Mourinho to advise Theresa May on European exits that delight a nation


Mourinho, Manchester United

Former Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is to advise Theresa May on the best way to leave Europe whilst simultaneously delighting the vast majority of people who watch you doing it.

After failing to get her EU withdrawal deal through parliament May is facing uncertainty around her Brexit plans, and has therefore called in Jose to make her European exit seem much more palatable.

A Whitehall insider explained, “Jose has spent the last couple of seasons taking Manchester United out of Europe, on multiple occasions, yet the whole country smiles while he does it.  Simply put, Theresa wants some of that.

“She wants to find herself out of Europe, and have the whole country behind her laughing whilst she does so. And who better to help you with that than Manchester United?”

Experts have said the government’s move is a good one, and that if there was one organisation as universally unpopular as the current government, it was Manchester United.

A spokesperson for the Old Trafford club told reporters, “We wish Jose the very best of luck in his new advisory role.  I believe his first words were, ‘you need to make everyone think you believe you’re absolutely entitled to be in Europe’ – that will amplify any sense of schadenfreude when you leave’.

“That’s really good advice, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“If Manchester United had actually wanted to be out of Europe so often in the last few years, then I’m sure you can imagine how disappointed people would have been that they were actually out of Europe.

“As it is, most people are still laughing a couple of years later.”

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