“Can we tell that alleged rapist to go away again now we’ve got his vote?” asks PM

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Theresa May is wondering if the Tory party can take the whip back from an alleged rapist, now that he’s done his bit.

MP Charlie Elphicke had the whip taken away from him after a series of allegations of sexual misconduct emerged, including one of rape.

However, none of these things was as important as Theresa May’s need to secure as many votes as possible in the confidence vote, at which point the whip was restored to Mr Elphicke.

“But he’s voted now, so we can probably stick him back in the bin for the time being,” suggested Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“These allegations are incredibly serious, of course, but come on, they’re not SO serious that we should consider losing a vote of confidence.

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“I’m sure Mr Elphicke’s accusers would understand that the business of government can’t be jeopardised just for the sake of a few allegations which, let’s be honest, probably won’t result in a conviction anyway.

“But we will tell him to go away for being naughty. Until something comes up, at which point we’ll bring him back again. I think that’s how justice should work.”