Wednesday 12 December 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Everybody almost-but-not-quite feeling sorry for Theresa May


Woman has no sympathy for Theresa May

Britain is right on the brink of feeling sympathy for Theresa May but definitely isn’t actually going to have said feeling.

With the Prime Minister facing a leadership challenge having grabbed the poisoned chalice that is the position of the Brexit Prime Minister and putting up with months of fuckery from bastards ranging from Michael Gove to Boris Johnson, the embattled leader certainly cuts a lonely, sad figure.

“I nearly went ‘aww’ when I saw her on the news earlier,” confessed citizen, Hayley Rice.

“But then someone reminded me of the massive cuts to policing, the hostile environment towards immigrants and the necessary presence of food banks and I quickly snapped out of it and threw a rotten tomato at the telly.

“Yes, I keep a store of rotten tomatoes to throw at the telly. I cracked through a whole bag when Piers Morgan was last on. It’s a miracle the screen still functions.”

Other voters have expressed similar emotional difficulties after watching Theresa May’s subdued reaction to the vote of no confidence called by the 1922 Committee.

Fellow citizen, Simon Williams, said, “I’d typically express some sympathy for someone trying to do their best in a difficult job while surrounded by colleagues who are keen to recreate the stabby bit in Julius Caesar.

“But then I remember that this woman runs the government who made my uncle return to work despite being paralysed in a motorbike accident, and my sympathy somehow fucks off in much the same way I now wish she would.”

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