Monday 10 December 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Prime Minister delays Brexit deal vote until she’s finished writing her CV


Theresa May on Brexit vote

Theresa May hasn’t finished polishing her Curriculum Vitae yet, and will be delaying the Brexit vote until she does.

Knowing damn well that she’s going to be out of a job roughly six seconds after John Bercow bellows “the nays have it”, the Prime Minister wants to make sure she looks as attractive as possible to future employers.

Mrs May’s secretary, Simon Williams, said, “Yes, of course men can be secretaries, you judgmental bastard.

“Anyway…yes, Theresa is very keen for her CV to be as impressive as possible. She’s covered it in pink glitter and everything.

“The ‘Employment History’ section is proving a little tricky as she’d rather not talk about her time as Home Secretary or her time as Prime Minister, so she’s just put ‘gap year’ between the years 2010 and 2018.

“I’m not sure running through wheat fields counts as a hobby either, but she was too frightened to put anything else in the ‘outside interests’ section.

“Under ‘personal achievements’, she’s written ‘haven’t shot Michael Gove’, which is admittedly very impressive.”

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