Government pilot scheme to reduce state pension liability fails as 71-year-old survives jungle ordeal

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A new initiative by the Department for Work and Pensions to kill off pensioners in a way that definitely isn’t murder has been deemed unsuccessful after Harry Redknapp won this year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity’.

With unfunded state pension liabilities in the region of £4 trillion, the UK government is always on the lookout for ways to reduce the deficit.

The latest plan from Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Amber Rudd was to put pensioners through weeks of gruelling jungle-based physical challenges until they keel over.

Recently published legal advice stated that ‘providing the challenges are televised this would definitely be entertainment and not murder in any way’.

Harry Redknapp was the initial test subject.

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“For fuck’s sake, why can’t they just die?!” screamed Amber Rudd.

“We put two pensioners in the jungle. Noel Edmonds was dismissed early on for being freakishly fit for his age and therefore unrepresentative of the test demographic.

“But Redknapp – I was so sure he’d prove my hypothesis and have a heart attack while buried underground covered with rats.

“I thought these people were supposed to be frail and helpless? If they can go weeks without eating properly then why the hell are we giving them any money in the first place?

“Honestly, sometimes I feel that my job is one big Bushtucker Trial and all these bloody old people are the cockroaches crawling all over me.

“Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board. Surely there must be a way to get rid of free flu jabs. I’ll have a word with Matt Hancock…”