Friday 7 December 2018 by Arabin Patson

Public schools grateful to media for highlighting how good they are at getting students into Oxbridge


Oxford University

The top eight public schools in the country are overjoyed that news outlets have decided to show just how much their exorbitant fees are worth it when it comes to getting pupils into Oxford and Cambridge.

Simon Williams, the Admissions supervisor of Eton College, said that the revelation that just eight public schools took half of all places available at Oxbridge was just the kind of publicity that money couldn’t buy.

“It comes at the right moment too. With economic fears and a lot of silly talk about social equality, we were a bit worried that we could lose the charitable status so needed by an institution whose clientele are the wealthiest families in the country.

“And let’s be honest, Brexit is not exactly showing our graduates in the finest light.

“But this is great news. If we are asking families to spend £40,000 a year, it’s nice to be able to prove just how much it increases their chance of a place at the best universities. This might even allow us to slap an extra £10K on next year’s fees. Just what’s needed to get the stables refurbished.”

Many people in the print media denied this story was stating what has been obvious since the 18th century. As explained Education Editor of the Guardian, Amanda Tinnock.

“This is an astounding revelation! The public will be shocked to find out that paying loads of money to a well-connected school with a long history of entering pupils into Oxbridge can hugely increase a student’s chance of getting admitted.

“Imagine the people’s consternation when they find out people like Jacob Rees-Mogg are where they are though money and privilege instead of their brilliant intellects. Who could have guessed that just by looking at them?”

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