“The trains in my spare bedroom always run on time, so I know what I’m doing” insists Chris Grayling

author avatar by 4 years ago

Chris Grayling has responded to accusations that he is to blame for the National Rail timetable chaos, claiming that the miniature railway network in the spare bedroom of his house always runs on time.

Following the disastrous introduction of sweeping timetable changes across the board in May, MPs have been quick to point the finger of blame towards the cadaverous Transport Secretary, insisting that he could have done more to prevent the chaos.

Speaking on Radio 4 this morning Chris Grayling explained, “Yes, the timetable changes have led to some commuters enjoying an, er, unpredictable, daily commute, but I honestly can’t see why this is my fault all of a sudden.

“It’s not like I’m Secretary of State for Transport, is it? What’s that? Oh, is that what Transport Secretary actually means? Blimey. I thought it just meant a heftier discount at the House of Commons bar.”

Hurriedly, he went on, “It is down to the railway companies themselves to make the changes I’ve introduced actually work.

“I have proved it can’t be my fault, as the massive railway set I have in my spare room always runs on time, regardless of the schedule that I have introduced. There isn’t a single change I’ve made to the nation’s railways that I haven’t first tested in that room.

“Even when I upgraded my set from a Brio one to a proper grown-up Hornby one last year, the changes were implemented smoothly and with minimal disruption to the tiny plastic passengers. Not one complained – what does that say, eh?”

He concluded, “I think my track record speaks for itself.”