Nation excited by televised Brexit debate between woman who hates debating and man who won’t talk about Brexit

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British people have been at pains to hide their excitement at the prospect of a rare televised discussion about Brexit featuring no-one other than an old woman who speaks only in slogans and an old man who always tries to steer the topic towards austerity.

Simone Williams, a housewife from Preston, is one of many who were looking forward to this televised feast of entertaining political sparring.

She explained, “I’m so chuffed. To think, we will get to see the warm charm of Theresa May pitted against the clarity of Brexit expert Jeremy Corbyn right on our TV screens.

“One thing I am certain of is that we won’t be subjected to two hours of a depressed Tory cypher repeating some tired slogan that a focus group at CCHQ think will work with scared old idiots.

“Nor will we get to see some relic from the 1980’s trying to relive his militant youth by veering off on some bolshie tangent or claiming he will get a great Brexit because of some mystic power of socialist diplomacy.

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“I am definitely going to watch that debate and I am most certainly not going to sit down in front of Netflix with my husband and a bottle of Aldi cooking sherry.”

The debate finally got the go-ahead after Labour agreed to not ask Theresa May any questions forcing her to pretend she experienced human emotions.

In return, the Conservatives agreed not to point out that it was easier to read the Pope’s unedited browser history than find out what Jeremy Corbyn genuinely thinks about Brexit.

The debate is as yet unscheduled as TV channels have been rivalling each other to host, what one senior BBC exec called, “something that might happen.”