Monday 3 December 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Everyone knows your mother’s maiden name and the name of your first pet


Man worried everyone knows his mums name

With the news that over 500 million Marriot customers have had their accounts hacked, it has been confirmed that literally everyone on the planet now knows the name of your first pet and your mother’s maiden name.

“Well, in some ways I suppose it’s quite a boon,” said IT expert Simon Williams.

“I mean, whenever you sign up for an account they want to know the name of your first pet and mother’s maiden name, so if you ever forget either of them you can just ask on Twitter and someone can let you know.”

Experts, however, are not recommending changing your security questions.

Williams went on, “No, I mean, what’s the point? Yes, you could change it to ‘the name of the tennis player you’re most sexually attracted to,’ but within a week or so, everyone will be aware you’ve got a bot of a thing for Roger Federer.

“But then, who hasn’t?

“Face it, the hackers have won. They know more about you than you do and regardless of whether your first pet was called Funky Crapdumper and your mother’s maiden name was just a high-pitched noise, the hackers already know about it and it’s now only a matter of time before they bleed your PayPal account dry.”

Instead, Mr Williams recommends hiding all your money under the bed, cutting up your credit cards and going to live in a cabin in the woods while the whole online capitalist globalization paradigm collapses around you.

“It’s the only sensible solution,” he chuckles.

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