Brexit’s ‘sunlit uplands’ found to be full of dogshit and broken glass

The promised sunlit uplands of Brexit have today been revealed to be full of dogshit and broken glass with Chancellor Philip Hammond’s admission that the UK will be worse off under all Brexit scenarios.

Speaking from a footpath near the uplands, Hammond said, “When the nation set off in this direction in June 2016, the uplands were a long way off, and conceivably they did look like they might be full of wildflowers and gently buzzing bees.

“However, looking over the hedge, it’s now pretty clear that what we thought were colourful flowers are actually broken glass and used syringes.

“And those cute little molehills we thought we could see from afar?

“Dogshit. So much dogshit.

“It’s also now raining. Really hard.

“Which you’d think would get rid of the wasps and mosquitoes, but somehow doesn’t.

“Face it: this place is a fucking dump.”

However, ex-Brexit Secretary David Davis disagreed, saying, “This is just Project Fear. And besides, it’s taken us so long to get here, we may as well just get on with it.

“Let’s get the blanket out and have a proper British picnic.

“Oops, I seem to have trodden in a molehill.”

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