A new rail ombudsman, paid for by the industry, has been created to provide a more streamlined process of ignoring complaints about the railway.
The Dispute Resolution Ombudsman is an independent body designed to stop rail companies having to go through the unpleasant business of dealing with the public.
“We have lost the confidence of the public, we recognise that,” said Jacqueline Starr, a managing director at the Rail Delivery Group.
“Now, obviously, we don’t give a toss about that. We get paid whether passengers are happy or not. So, what’s really important for us is just reducing the need for any sort of interaction with the whinging shits.
“This new ombudsman should do that.”
Ms Starr was also confident that ombudsman could improve the complaints experience for passengers.
“Look, our free time is spent picking out chandeliers for head office and giving handjobs to shareholders, so it can sometimes take months to get round to ignoring complaints,” she said.
“We are confident that this new ombudsman could successfully ignore a complaint within less than a month of it being raised.
“So, that’s great news for everyone.”
Passengers were enthusiastic.
“Yeah, brilliant,” said Simon Williams, a commuter and sock hole manufacturer from Brighton.
“Travelling by train is a harrowing and appalling experience, and it’s just made worse by them taking two or three months to ignore my complaints.
“This new ombudsman thing should really help out.”
The new rail ombudsman is effective from today and currently the website will crash your computer and the freephone number costs 50p a minute and goes through to an old lady in Tooting.