UKIP leaves major political parties wondering if they also need a Rape Advisor

author avatar by 5 years ago

UKIP has stolen a march on its political opponents by appointing Tommy Robinson as their official gang rape advisor.

Robinson will have the ear of leader Gerard Batten and will whisper sweet nothings about rape gangs whenever he feels it is needed.

The move has left more traditional political operations wondering if they have missed the boat on exploiting people’s fear of gang rape.

A Labour spokesperson said, “When it comes to political innovation, UKIP is where it’s at. We look at them and wonder if we should follow them to secure similar unprecedented election success. What with them having… *checks notes*… zero MPs.

“That said, we’d hate to look back and realise that appointing Tommy Robinson as a Rape Advisor was all it took to put UKIP into the political fast lane, and we did nothing.

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“I’m wondering if Ed Miliband would consider a return to frontline politics?”

A Conservative spokesperson told us, “We don’t need any advice on rape, thank you. Raping and pillaging is sort of in our DNA.”

A Lib Dem spokesperson said, “Wait? You actually want our opinion on something. That’s so lovely, thank you. The phone doesn’t ring all that much any more.

“Hello? Hello? Are you still there?”

Voters have had a mixed reaction to the news, as one told us, “Firstly, you need to consider Tommy’s full title, which is ‘Senior UKIP Advisor n Gang Rape But Only by The Muslims, Not The Others Ones’. His business card is going to be massive.”

Another said, “Look, we don’t even know what sort of advice he will be giving.  I mean, given the track record of some of the other former EDL members it could be he’s advising them on how to do it.”