Women’s Parliamentary Football Club left without key striker as Theresa May has to work Saturday

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The Prime Minister will miss this Saturday’s Parliamentary FC clash with EU Rovers because she’ll be in Brussels doing more of that Brexit negotiating stuff.

With this week’s Brexit talks not quite going to plan, Theresa May will need to go into work on Saturday. Unfortunately, this means she won’t be able to take her usual place as the centre-forward for the Women’s Parliamentary football team and will miss the crucial tie with EU Rovers.

“Oh yes, I can footballs with the best of them,” said Mrs May.

“I’m not allowed to pick the ball up though because I’m one of the leg ones.

“Attack is my forte. God help anyone who tries to take me on because, by golly, I’ll just run round and round in circles and none of us will make any progress.”

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Her teammates, however, are less enthusiastic about her footballing prowess.

“The truth is she’s only on the team because she’s the PM and we couldn’t really say no,” one of them said.

“She scores more own goals than anything – doesn’t even realise she’s shooting in the wrong direction half the time. We just have to be encouraging and say ‘Brilliant! Keep it up Theresa!’.

“Then she insists on negotiating with the referees despite the fact that they obviously hold all the power and she has no real input into the decisions they make.

“Last match she spent two and a half hours discussing an offside ruling before it went against us anyway.

“Honestly, whenever she’s on the team the performance is an absolute shambles. Thank God she’s in Brussels on Saturday where she can’t do as much damage.”