A local man has died after ingesting toxic water.
Simon Williams, 34, always professed to being “sick and tired of being told I can’t be masculine anymore” when women suggested he should stop shouting “nice tits” at strangers on the bus.
“He basically took that as an attack on his manliness, which it wasn’t really, people were just asking him to stop being a bit of a dick,” confirmed Simon’s close personal acquaintance, Tom Goodman.
“Essentially, he couldn’t differentiate between masculinity – which is empowering, dignified and oftentimes quite sexy – and toxic masculinity, which refers to the kind of harassing, boorish behaviour some men think is fine because they’re men and that’s how they reckon men are.
“Little did we know that his confusion in identifying the differences between something being normal and it being toxic also extended to water. What with water generally being essential to life, compared to toxic water, which can kill you.”
Detective Jay Cooper said, “We have looked at all the available evidence and have concluded that what happened to Mr Williams was a moderately sad accident.
“Mr Williams finished his workout and was then sexually aggressive to a couple of female gym members in the hope of securing a sexual encounter. It seems that after being rebuffed he then attempted to re-hydrate himself by downing 25 millilitres of toilet water mixed with industrial waste.
“The concoction basically burnt away his throat from the inside out and killed him a pretty undignified manner. He also shat himself in front of the women he was belligerently hitting on moments earlier.
“That’ll learn him.”