Monday 19 November 2018 by Chris Ballard

University courses to be shortened to one month of cramming to reduce tuition fees


Uni courses reduced to 1 month

Many British universities are to offer ‘fast-tracked’ versions of their courses which consist of just one-month intensive cramming with none of the usual drinking or sleeping.

With tuition fees costing students ten grand a year many universities are now streamlining their courses. The aim is to bring them into line with the amount of work students actually do over three or four years.

“Traditionally, the first year of a university course literally doesn’t count at all towards your degree,” said Chancellor of Swindon University Simon Williams.

“That’s a very expensive way to catch a few virulent STDs and to gain access to some slightly cheaper pints – you could just visit Swansea for a few hours.

“The second year is about moving out of halls and learning to subsist on dry dog food and the half-eaten kebabs you find abandoned on car windshields. Again, does £10k really represent good value for money?

“The final year counts, obviously, but nobody does any work until the last four weeks. So realistically, what is the point of the preceding thirty-five months?”

However, despite the opportunity to leave university with a much smaller level of debt many students aren’t too keen on the idea.

“I need to spend some of my life not living with my parents,” said one student.

“I know I’ll be back there as soon as I graduate – thirty thousand pounds for the only three years of my life I won’t have to see my father ‘air drying’ his genitals in the conservatory sounds like a bargain.”

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