New Brexit Secretary inaugurated with traditional goblet of bubbling turds

author avatar by 6 years ago

New Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay has been inaugurated into his new role at the Department for Exiting the EU after swallowing a massive goblet of shit, as is customary for those occupying his office.

Barclay, who moved from his position as a junior minister in the Department of Health, was extremely excited about his new position, right up until it was explained to him the full implications of taking part in his naming ceremony.

“Wait, you want me to drink a massive ceremonial cup of human waste?” he asked those who had eagerly gathered to watch.

“Yes,” he was told by prime minister Theresa May, looking him directly in the eye, emotionless.

She went on, “This role will see you spending many hours, days and weeks eating shit, so what better way to celebrate your new position with a massive glass of bubbling excrement.”

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A source close to Barclay told us, “A golden chalice sounds lovely, doesn’t it? You would look forward to having something like that as a present for starting your new job.

“Well, much like Brexit itself, it can be made to sound utterly terrific until you actually take a look at the detail, and the detail here is that the golden chalice contains an extraordinary amount of shit.

“It is chock full of turds and that horrible runny stuff that absolutely reeks. And it all needs drinking before he can start his new job.

“Still, Stephen wanted the job, so he went for it. I’m sure he’ll make himself available to the press as soon as he stops throwing up.”

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