Friday 16 November 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Dominic Raab insists he’s NOT a rogue sex robot for Tory women of a certain age


Dominic Raab sex robot

Dominic Raab is NOT a sex robot that has broken his programming, according to reports this afternoon.

The former Brexit secretary, who your mum has described as “handsome” a worrying number of times, stepped down from the cabinet as he felt he could not support Theresa May’s proposed Brexit deal.

However, some believe that Mr Raab is, in fact, a sex robot, similar to Jude Law’s character off of “A.I.”, that Steven Spielberg film which is way too long and nobody remembers anyway.

“Ooh he’s LOVELY,” said Fiona Barrington-Smythe, a Conservative voter of a certain age.

“So well spoken and nicely dressed, and that lovely hair that’s receding in just the right way…ooh he’s got me all hot and bothered…

“I’m certain I’ve seen him before in some kind of catalogue you know… if he’s for sale then consider me sold!

“I hear he’s at something of a loose end these days, no? I’m sure we can find him something to occupy his time if he wants to pop round during the day. Any time before my husband gets home, obviously.”

When told of the rumour by our reporters, it took Mr Raab somewhat by surprise.

He laughed and said “Well, I hate to say I’m not a sex machine…” which just made Fiona faint dead away.

“…but I am very much a human man. I enjoy all of the human activities such as consuming food, breathing oxygen and leisure activities such as attending the football-ball-ball-ball-ball-SCHRZZZZZT- the PoshBoy3200 has developed a fault, please press reset.”

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