An office employee has made a grave error, according to reports this morning.
At around 10pm last night, Simon Williams, 32, thought he had matched all of his numbers to the winning lotto combination, at which point he popped into the deserted offices of Bastard & Sons to take the customary, massive shit on his manager’s desk.
“Turns out I only actually matched five numbers and won just over two hundred quid, which is nowhere near the threshold for desk pooing,” said a panicked Williams, scraping the offending pile into a bag before getting busy with some disinfectant.
“I finally noticed after I had finished photocopying the ticket so that I could write an abusive note alongside my winning numbers.
“I had just finished writing ‘shove your quarterly targets up your arse, you fat cu-‘ when I noticed something was amiss halfway through the killer final word.
“Oh God, the bleach is discolouring the desk… I’m so screwed.
“This isn’t even the worst part. I need to finish up here and get home before the wife wakes up and finds her pile of shit with a note.”